I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
