Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
