I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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