She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
