Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
