How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
My vagina is very pro this idea
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize