when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts