Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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