plz talk dirty to me
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
I'm just looking out for you.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.