allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
