Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
