In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
