I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Use "feeling words"
Yay
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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