I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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