i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
