can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck