I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She liked it
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
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Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
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The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?