I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.