we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
