party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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