Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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