WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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