so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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