am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
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There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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