it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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