She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
