Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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