one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
