You smell like a Billy Joel song
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
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