So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
