Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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