I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Randomize
