You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
