the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
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