girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
