Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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