Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
