I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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