Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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