I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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