his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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