hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
