Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
