Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
