Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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