Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
