Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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