We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
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