Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
