My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
