By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
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I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
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I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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