I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
