What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
