i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
