Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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