Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
