You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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