it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Oh god it's open bar.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
