well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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