i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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