I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize