K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
